1. |
Adrian Chiles’s Urinal
01:34
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Adrian Chiles’s urinal
He’s got one in his flat
He is very proud of it
A great enthusiast
It sits below a stained glass window featuring West Brom
Adrian Chiles’s urinal
What could possibly go wrong?
He thinks every home should have one
It is wonderful
Adrian Chiles’s urinal
A toilet of one’s own
Many a chap has been chastised about incompetence
poor aim, not putting the seat down, and so on…
Yes, many a chap has been chastised about incompetence
Adrian Chiles’s urinal
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2. |
Iggy Pop's Parrot
01:32
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I tell you Iggy Pop’s parrot is a cockatoo
Iggy Pop’s parrot knows what to do
Iggy Pop’s parrot’s gonna throw some shapes
And why not?
Iggy Pop’s parrot (It’s a cockatoo!)
It likes to shuffle and boogaloo
It makes me smile and laugh because
It loves to dance to the Sleaford Mods
And why not?
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3. |
Alan Titchmarsh’s Jumper
01:23
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I went down to the museum,
To try and expand my cultural horizons,
They had an exhibition on Gardeners’ World
With lots of sound advice about what fertilizer
Is best for growing your herbaceous border
But then I saw some stuff that was right out of order
A flouncy dress worn by Charlie Dimmock
I said ‘I don’t think that is very relevant for this exhibit’
Splinters retrieved from Tommy Walsh’s arse
What’s that got to do with the price of parsnips?
Then I saw a bit of cloth – Uniglo
And I thought, ‘Here we go’
Sitting on display beside a cucumber
Only an Alan Titchmarsh jumper
Titchmarsh jumper
Titchmarsh jumper
Titchmarsh jumper
Titchmarsh jumper
Sitting on display beside a cucumber
Only an Alan Titchmarsh jumper
Titchmarsh jumper
Titchmarsh jumper
Titchmarsh jumper
Titchmarsh jumper
Oh no no
Cabinet display, go, go, go
Next to a cucumber, oh no, oh no.
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4. |
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Keir Hardie was the first, Arthur Henderson the worst,
George Barnes, Ramsay MacDonald
William Adamson, J. R. Clynes,
George Lansbury, Clement Attlee – fun times
Hugh Gaitskell, Harold Wilson, James Callaghan,
Michael Foot, Neil Kinnock, John Smith, oh man
Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Ed Miliband,
Jeremy Corbyn, now Mr Bland
Tony Blair’s mortgage advisor*
I’ve seen more urgency in John Major’s Y-Fronts
He’s Tony Blair’s mortgage advisor
Keir Starmer, donkey farmer
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5. |
Big Dom’s Blouse
01:48
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Dom and Laura sitting in a tree
K.I.S.S.I.N.G
Interviewing for the BBC
Pretending to be shocked but we could only see the big blouse
(Big blouse)
Big Dom’s blouse (big blouse)
Nobody seemed to care what Dom what was saying
We just focused on that shirt he was wearing
It wasn’t much, just white and plain
And it looked like the same one he had been wearing in the Rose Garden
(Big blouse, big blouse)
Big Dom’s blouse (big blouse)
Now everybody thinks he’s only got one shirt
And while Laura’s trying to find some dirt
We’re just thinking he’s a mingin’ git
Who’ll say anything to get out of the shit, the big girl’s blouse
(Big blouse, big blouse)
Big Dom’s blouse (big blouse)
I got my last clean dirty shirt out of the wardrobe
He is not appreciated
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6. |
Liz Truss’s Helmet
01:24
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Liz Truss’s helmet says Liz Truss is busy
Too busy to come to the phone
Liz Truss’s helmet says Liz Truss is tryin’
To start a new life of her own
Liz Truss’s helmet says Liz Truss is happy
“So why don’t you leave her alone?”
And the Kremlin operatives put nukes on alert
For the next four minutes
Please, stop the cosplay
And put all your toys away
Read the room, act like humans
You’re not a fighter pilot, you’re not on the front line
Liz Truss
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7. |
Homer's Morrissey
03:36
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I was happy in a haze on Calyso's isle
and heaven knows I’m miserable now
I was looking for a sword and then I found a sword
and heaven knows I’m miserable now
In my life why do I spend valuable time with sirens
who don’t care if I live or die?
Telemachus, my son, passed me by
and heaven knows I’m miserable now
Penelope, my wife, was weaving my shroud
so it’s nae bloody wonder I’m miserable now
In my life
Why do I smile
At cyclops who I’d much rather spear in the eye ?
What Circe said at the end of the day
Penelope would have blushed
“You’ve been in this orgy too long” she said
And I (naturally) fled
In my life
Why did I bother going to Troy?
Oh oh why?
I was happy in a haze with the Lotus Eaters
but heaven knows I’m miserable now
“You’ve been in the house too long” I said
To the suitors usurping my bed
I was looking for a sword and then I found a sword
and heaven knows I’m miserable now
In my life why do I say stupid controversial things all of the time?
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8. |
Jim Murphy's Hair
02:59
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Are you looking at Jim Murphy’s hair?
It has changed from mousey to white
Remember studying for nine years and failing
As Paul Calf would say, What a bag o shite
Tell him to wear an old Scotland strip
(And to run over the wonky bridge)
Erse in parsley, creepy and lying
(Faking crowds at his rallies and bellowing bile)
Remember Dewar, Mcleish and McConnell
(Wendy, Iain, Jolo)
They once towed the old party line
(And made New Labour New Tory-lite)
Tell him to stand on crates of Irn Bru
(On a busy street, megaphone optional)
Erse in parsley, creepy and lying
(Watch his eyes pop and veins bulge all the while)
Between the pointing and all the shouting
(Shouty shouty shout shout)
Tony Blair his true love sublime
Are you looking at Jim Murphy’s hair?
It has changed from mousey to white
Remember him when he is forgotten
As that guy who just blethered shite
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9. |
Jeremy Corbyn’s Beard
02:35
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Hi my name is Steve
And I’m the beard
Of Jeremy Corbyn
You might think it weird
The fight starts here
Or at least tomorrow morning
The revolution will not be televised
But it will be hirsute
I’m holding back the rising fascist tide
Just like King Canute
Hi my name is Steve
And I’m the beard
Of Jeremy Corbyn
I’m as hard as ice
But awful nice
I abstain without warning
I won’t take it lying down
I’ll take it on the chin
I’m grey with just a hint of brown
I’m the beard of Jeremy Corbyn
I’m hairy, scary and very brave
I might need a little trim
But like Samson, I won’t be shaved
Not by the hair on my Jeremy chin
the hair on my Jeremy chinny chin chin
the hair on my Jeremy chinny chin chin
the hair on my Jeremy chinny chin chin
Hi my name is Steve
And I’m the beard
Of Jeremy Corbyn
You might think it weird
The fight starts here
Or at least tomorrow morning
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10. |
Cardinal O’Brien’s Eyes
02:41
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Catholic priests just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A cardinal and they won't have to worry
They'll dress up all in lace and go in style
Late at night a big old church gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its cost
And it breaks his heart to think his love is only
Given to a man with hands nailed to a cross
So he tells himself to go out for communion
And comfort an old friend who's feeling blue
But he knows where he's going and what he's doing
He is headed for the cheating side of the pew
Cardinal O'Brien eyes
Linger over young priests thighs
You'd think by now he'd realise
There ain't no way to hide those lying eyes
There ain't no way to hide those lying eyes
Cardinal O'Brien lying eyes
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11. |
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Schrödinger
Referendum is on and off the table as well
Oh bloody hell
It’s a humdinger
Neverending thought experiment
Such an entanglement
Remind me to never let him
Babysit my cat again
Is it a quantum superposition
To ask for an indy transition?
Mister Schrödinger
Can I get a reset till Brexit is cold
Or will I be too old?
Oh Nicola Oh
It’s a paradox, no?
Should I stay or should I go?
Is it dead or is it no?
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12. |
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You've probably never even heard of me
Michael White's moustache
But I've been patronising Lesly Riddoch on TV
Michael White's moustache
And defending all the liars but it's really not fair
Michael White's moustache
All you notice is my farcical facial hair
Michael White's moustache
Michael White's moustache
Michael White's moustache
It's a right stramash
A right stramash
And it's a real car crash
A real car crash
Michael White's moustache
Is it on the lash?
You probably think this song's about your politics
Michael White's tache
Michael White's tache
But I can't take my eyes off your upper lip
Michael White's tache
Michael White's tache
I'm trying to focus on the words spilling out your face
Michael White's tache
Michael White's tache
But I cannae take you seriously for fuck sake
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13. |
Kezia Dugdale's Dad
01:55
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I am Kezia Dugdale's dad
I've given her a row cos she's vewy vewy bad
She went on twitter to have a laugh
By quoting the Daily Telegraph
Now she's grounded with no sweets
She's no getting pocket money
Till she deletes her tweets
She's no getting out to play
Deputy Dugdale with Jim Murphy
Ah come on
Kezia Dugdale's dad
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14. |
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I ain't gonna work on Boris Johnston's Baby Farm no more
The conditions are intolerable and my sword arm is sore
King Herod is the foreman - I think it is against the law
I ain't gonna work on Boris Johnston's Baby Farm no more
I ain't gonna work on Boris Johnston's Baby Farm no more
I am tired of hacking heads off, I'm knee deep in blood and gore
Now they want to make a documentary on Channel 4
I ain't gonna work on Boris Johnston's Baby Farm no more
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15. |
Jeremy Corbyn’s Brother
02:02
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Didn’t we have a lovely time with Jeremy Corbyn’s brother
Quarantine meals of jellied eels
All for under a pound you know
We booed the corona on megaphone and
Slagged off Keir Starmer
Singing a few of our favourite songs about donkeys
Do you recall the thrill of it all as we walked through central London
Then on the Strand we heard a brass band
That played the Diddlely-Bump-Terrara
You’re not working class if you own an ass
And earn “up to” ten million
That’s what we sang in the back of the van as the cops piled in
We want to be free, there’s a conspiracy trying to keep us quiet
It’s just a big fuss about this virus, it’s all the fault of the government
Oh Jeremy, I have a theory
We’re lions led by donkeys
Just ask Keir, here have a beer, and we’ll all get pished
Wasn’t it nice eating a choc ice and yelling boo to lockdown
I always preferred Oasis to Blur
And that rubbed Jeremy up the wrong way
Joy Division’s Isolation – I am not a big fan
On yer bike, I really don’t like them and no New World Order
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16. |
Shapps’ Eye
02:14
|
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I spy with Grant Shapps’ eye
Something beginning with lorry driver
He’s Dutch, he’s had enough
Radio 4 say it’s just too much
Grant Shapps, Grant Shapps, Grant Shapps!
Grant Shapps clap your hands, clap ’em on a Thursday night
That’s right.
Grant Shapps, clasp your hand. Cross it over your eye.
Over your Shapps’ eye.
Grant Shapps, clap your hands, maybe get the army in
To help you out
Grant Shapps, clap your hands, slap your thighs and sing a little song.
My mummy told me, if I was goody
That I would be transport secretary
I changed my ID to be Michael Green,
Sebastian Fox and Corinne Stockheath
By the way, Radio 4
I deal language left and right
I’ll say shit and I’ll say shite
You don’t have a monopoly
On how to speak, stuff your RP
I deal language, I deal language…
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