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Celebrities And Their Things

by Half Bam Half Whisky

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1.
Adrian Chiles’s urinal He’s got one in his flat He is very proud of it A great enthusiast It sits below a stained glass window featuring West Brom Adrian Chiles’s urinal What could possibly go wrong? He thinks every home should have one It is wonderful Adrian Chiles’s urinal A toilet of one’s own Many a chap has been chastised about incompetence poor aim, not putting the seat down, and so on… Yes, many a chap has been chastised about incompetence Adrian Chiles’s urinal
2.
I tell you Iggy Pop’s parrot is a cockatoo Iggy Pop’s parrot knows what to do Iggy Pop’s parrot’s gonna throw some shapes And why not? Iggy Pop’s parrot (It’s a cockatoo!) It likes to shuffle and boogaloo It makes me smile and laugh because It loves to dance to the Sleaford Mods And why not?
3.
I went down to the museum, To try and expand my cultural horizons, They had an exhibition on Gardeners’ World With lots of sound advice about what fertilizer Is best for growing your herbaceous border But then I saw some stuff that was right out of order A flouncy dress worn by Charlie Dimmock I said ‘I don’t think that is very relevant for this exhibit’ Splinters retrieved from Tommy Walsh’s arse What’s that got to do with the price of parsnips? Then I saw a bit of cloth – Uniglo And I thought, ‘Here we go’ Sitting on display beside a cucumber Only an Alan Titchmarsh jumper Titchmarsh jumper Titchmarsh jumper Titchmarsh jumper Titchmarsh jumper Sitting on display beside a cucumber Only an Alan Titchmarsh jumper Titchmarsh jumper Titchmarsh jumper Titchmarsh jumper Titchmarsh jumper Oh no no Cabinet display, go, go, go Next to a cucumber, oh no, oh no.
4.
Keir Hardie was the first, Arthur Henderson the worst, George Barnes, Ramsay MacDonald William Adamson, J. R. Clynes, George Lansbury, Clement Attlee – fun times Hugh Gaitskell, Harold Wilson, James Callaghan, Michael Foot, Neil Kinnock, John Smith, oh man Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Ed Miliband, Jeremy Corbyn, now Mr Bland Tony Blair’s mortgage advisor* I’ve seen more urgency in John Major’s Y-Fronts He’s Tony Blair’s mortgage advisor Keir Starmer, donkey farmer
5.
Dom and Laura sitting in a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G Interviewing for the BBC Pretending to be shocked but we could only see the big blouse (Big blouse) Big Dom’s blouse (big blouse) Nobody seemed to care what Dom what was saying We just focused on that shirt he was wearing It wasn’t much, just white and plain And it looked like the same one he had been wearing in the Rose Garden (Big blouse, big blouse) Big Dom’s blouse (big blouse) Now everybody thinks he’s only got one shirt And while Laura’s trying to find some dirt We’re just thinking he’s a mingin’ git Who’ll say anything to get out of the shit, the big girl’s blouse (Big blouse, big blouse) Big Dom’s blouse (big blouse) I got my last clean dirty shirt out of the wardrobe He is not appreciated
6.
Liz Truss’s helmet says Liz Truss is busy Too busy to come to the phone Liz Truss’s helmet says Liz Truss is tryin’ To start a new life of her own Liz Truss’s helmet says Liz Truss is happy “So why don’t you leave her alone?” And the Kremlin operatives put nukes on alert For the next four minutes Please, stop the cosplay And put all your toys away Read the room, act like humans You’re not a fighter pilot, you’re not on the front line Liz Truss
7.
I was happy in a haze on Calyso's isle and heaven knows I’m miserable now I was looking for a sword and then I found a sword and heaven knows I’m miserable now In my life why do I spend valuable time with sirens who don’t care if I live or die? Telemachus, my son, passed me by and heaven knows I’m miserable now Penelope, my wife, was weaving my shroud so it’s nae bloody wonder I’m miserable now In my life Why do I smile At cyclops who I’d much rather spear in the eye ? What Circe said at the end of the day Penelope would have blushed “You’ve been in this orgy too long” she said And I (naturally) fled In my life Why did I bother going to Troy? Oh oh why? I was happy in a haze with the Lotus Eaters but heaven knows I’m miserable now “You’ve been in the house too long” I said To the suitors usurping my bed I was looking for a sword and then I found a sword and heaven knows I’m miserable now In my life why do I say stupid controversial things all of the time?
8.
Are you looking at Jim Murphy’s hair? It has changed from mousey to white Remember studying for nine years and failing As Paul Calf would say, What a bag o shite Tell him to wear an old Scotland strip (And to run over the wonky bridge) Erse in parsley, creepy and lying (Faking crowds at his rallies and bellowing bile) Remember Dewar, Mcleish and McConnell (Wendy, Iain, Jolo) They once towed the old party line (And made New Labour New Tory-lite) Tell him to stand on crates of Irn Bru (On a busy street, megaphone optional) Erse in parsley, creepy and lying (Watch his eyes pop and veins bulge all the while) Between the pointing and all the shouting (Shouty shouty shout shout) Tony Blair his true love sublime Are you looking at Jim Murphy’s hair? It has changed from mousey to white Remember him when he is forgotten As that guy who just blethered shite
9.
Hi my name is Steve And I’m the beard Of Jeremy Corbyn You might think it weird The fight starts here Or at least tomorrow morning The revolution will not be televised But it will be hirsute I’m holding back the rising fascist tide Just like King Canute Hi my name is Steve And I’m the beard Of Jeremy Corbyn I’m as hard as ice But awful nice I abstain without warning I won’t take it lying down I’ll take it on the chin I’m grey with just a hint of brown I’m the beard of Jeremy Corbyn I’m hairy, scary and very brave I might need a little trim But like Samson, I won’t be shaved Not by the hair on my Jeremy chin the hair on my Jeremy chinny chin chin the hair on my Jeremy chinny chin chin the hair on my Jeremy chinny chin chin Hi my name is Steve And I’m the beard Of Jeremy Corbyn You might think it weird The fight starts here Or at least tomorrow morning
10.
Catholic priests just seem to find out early How to open doors with just a smile A cardinal and they won't have to worry They'll dress up all in lace and go in style Late at night a big old church gets lonely I guess every form of refuge has its cost And it breaks his heart to think his love is only Given to a man with hands nailed to a cross So he tells himself to go out for communion And comfort an old friend who's feeling blue But he knows where he's going and what he's doing He is headed for the cheating side of the pew Cardinal O'Brien eyes Linger over young priests thighs You'd think by now he'd realise There ain't no way to hide those lying eyes There ain't no way to hide those lying eyes Cardinal O'Brien lying eyes
11.
Schrödinger Referendum is on and off the table as well Oh bloody hell It’s a humdinger Neverending thought experiment Such an entanglement Remind me to never let him Babysit my cat again Is it a quantum superposition To ask for an indy transition? Mister Schrödinger Can I get a reset till Brexit is cold Or will I be too old? Oh Nicola Oh It’s a paradox, no? Should I stay or should I go? Is it dead or is it no?
12.
You've probably never even heard of me Michael White's moustache But I've been patronising Lesly Riddoch on TV Michael White's moustache And defending all the liars but it's really not fair Michael White's moustache All you notice is my farcical facial hair Michael White's moustache Michael White's moustache Michael White's moustache It's a right stramash A right stramash And it's a real car crash A real car crash Michael White's moustache Is it on the lash? You probably think this song's about your politics Michael White's tache Michael White's tache But I can't take my eyes off your upper lip Michael White's tache Michael White's tache I'm trying to focus on the words spilling out your face Michael White's tache Michael White's tache But I cannae take you seriously for fuck sake
13.
I am Kezia Dugdale's dad I've given her a row cos she's vewy vewy bad She went on twitter to have a laugh By quoting the Daily Telegraph Now she's grounded with no sweets She's no getting pocket money Till she deletes her tweets She's no getting out to play Deputy Dugdale with Jim Murphy Ah come on Kezia Dugdale's dad
14.
I ain't gonna work on Boris Johnston's Baby Farm no more The conditions are intolerable and my sword arm is sore King Herod is the foreman - I think it is against the law I ain't gonna work on Boris Johnston's Baby Farm no more I ain't gonna work on Boris Johnston's Baby Farm no more I am tired of hacking heads off, I'm knee deep in blood and gore Now they want to make a documentary on Channel 4 I ain't gonna work on Boris Johnston's Baby Farm no more
15.
Didn’t we have a lovely time with Jeremy Corbyn’s brother Quarantine meals of jellied eels All for under a pound you know We booed the corona on megaphone and Slagged off Keir Starmer Singing a few of our favourite songs about donkeys Do you recall the thrill of it all as we walked through central London Then on the Strand we heard a brass band That played the Diddlely-Bump-Terrara You’re not working class if you own an ass And earn “up to” ten million That’s what we sang in the back of the van as the cops piled in We want to be free, there’s a conspiracy trying to keep us quiet It’s just a big fuss about this virus, it’s all the fault of the government Oh Jeremy, I have a theory We’re lions led by donkeys Just ask Keir, here have a beer, and we’ll all get pished Wasn’t it nice eating a choc ice and yelling boo to lockdown I always preferred Oasis to Blur And that rubbed Jeremy up the wrong way Joy Division’s Isolation – I am not a big fan On yer bike, I really don’t like them and no New World Order
16.
I spy with Grant Shapps’ eye Something beginning with lorry driver He’s Dutch, he’s had enough Radio 4 say it’s just too much Grant Shapps, Grant Shapps, Grant Shapps! Grant Shapps clap your hands, clap ’em on a Thursday night That’s right. Grant Shapps, clasp your hand. Cross it over your eye. Over your Shapps’ eye. Grant Shapps, clap your hands, maybe get the army in To help you out Grant Shapps, clap your hands, slap your thighs and sing a little song. My mummy told me, if I was goody That I would be transport secretary I changed my ID to be Michael Green, Sebastian Fox and Corinne Stockheath By the way, Radio 4 I deal language left and right I’ll say shit and I’ll say shite You don’t have a monopoly On how to speak, stuff your RP I deal language, I deal language…

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released May 12, 2022

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Half Bam Half Whisky Edinburgh, UK

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