1. |
My Inner Dictator
01:16
|
|||
My Inner Dictator
I'm the Tory MP for Aberdeen South
I like to slag the SNP with my oversized mouth
People say I am a bit insane
Cos I sat on the throne of Saddam Hussein
What a laugh
I'm a scream
Do you want my autograph?
Ross Thomson - I found my inner dictator
Ross Thomson - there is no dick which is greater
oh oh oh
My career is a running gag
My my what will I do next eh?
Ain't it queer how I get away
With anything - what am I like eh?
Youse must be brokenhearted
I've no done a thing since I fucking started
Oh aye - did I ever let you know
I am here my inner dictator
My, my, I could never let you go
|
||||
2. |
R.O.S.S.
01:31
|
|||
R.O.S.S.
This is the story of two Scots Tory MPs
One likes to play with swords, one doesn't like gypsies
I got them mixed up in a song
One's not a referee
I'm sorry but they all look the same to me
So If you hear me, can you forgive me?
R.O.S.S.
I'm sorry that we ended up in this mess
So to Mrs Thomson and Douglas's mum
I'm sorry for your Ross
Now can we just move on?
You're not the Ross MP now
You're not the Ross MP now
You're not the Ross MP now
And you're not too smart
Which Ross MP are you now?
Which Ross MP are you now?
Which Ross MP are you now?
Are you slimy or thick?
Life is unfair
|
||||
3. |
||||
The Assistant Referee's Alphabet
A is for Aberdeen - where I was born and my mate Ross Thomson who represents the constituency Aberdeen South following the glorious election of 2017
B is for Bungle - our pet name for our glorious leader Theresa May
C is for Conservative. What else? The highest political philosophy known to man. And ladies.
D is for Douglas - my first name. I'm lucky enough to be one of those people who has two first names for my whole name. That's impressive, eh?
E is for Education. I was educated at Forres Academy and the Scottish Agricultural College. Forres sounds like forest doesn't it? I'm so ecological.
F is for Fochabers and Lhanbryde - my first ward. This is where the magic began.
G is for Gypsies. Don't like 'em.
H is for the House of Commons where I show up occasionally if I'm not assisting referees.
I is for investigation which the SFA did on me. I was warned to pay attention to my use of language. Big wows.
J is for junket - a ridiculous word used to besmirch my important training trips to Switzerland.
K is for the 40 K I get a year for my weekend job. Not including the all-expenses paid trips to Europe.
L is for linesman which some people still insist on calling the noble art of assistant refeering. Get with the 21st century, you neanderthals.
M is for Moray - my constituency. My kind of people. The huge Tory funding and tailored advertising aimed at the residents, helped me spank SNP Bad man Angus Robertson in the 2017 election. Happy days.
N is for New Conservatism which is much like Old Conservatism but much much worse.
O is for Old Firm. I officiated at an old firm match once and repeatedly shouted at the referee to send off a Celtic player. One of my finest moments.
P is for Portugal where I officated in a Champions League match between Sporting Lisbon and Real Madrid.
Q is for Question Time - a light entertainment programme which they really should get me on so I can explain the offside rule.
R is for Real Madrid. I was assistant referee at one of their games once don't you know.
S is for Sporting Lisbon. That's who Real Madrid were playing when I was assistant referee. Amazing, eh?
T is for Tuesday which is the day I missed the justice committee meeting to officiate at that Sporting Lisbon versus Real Madrid game in Portugal I was talking about.
U is for Universal Credit -that's the debate I missed in Parliament due to my heavy refereeing schedule.
V is for vulgar which is what all these moaning minnies are that go on about my refereeing commitments.
W is for Westminster. Nice place. Shame about the cybernat oiks there.
X is for the mark on the ballot paper so many millions of marvellous Moray people placed next to my name that glorious day in 2017.
Y is for yellow card. It's like a red card. But yellow.
Z is for zippy. My favourite Rainbow character. He looks a bit like my mate Ross Thomson too. Haha. Only joking, Ross - ya big Saddam sword joker ye.
|
||||
4. |
||||
TORY BOYS (North British Branch)
Yeah yeah we're the Tory boys
T.O.R.Y. Make some noise
We look up to Gove and Hunt
Straight Outta Cambridge with a monocle and punt
First we'll bury the SNP
Then we'll bury the whole country
With our lovely leader Ruth
Never mind the bollocks or the truth
T - Terrifically crazy
O - Out with the Scots
R - Rah for Royal babies
Y - Yah for Royal Yachts
Yeah yeah we're the Tory boys
T.O.R.Y. Make some noise
We look up to Gove and Hunt
You absolute shower, we're the government
Ever since Bullingdon
We have been pulling down the system
Dish-faced Camerons
Straight outta Bullingdon
|
||||
5. |
Tory
00:16
|
|||
Fox hunting
Pig Fucking
Dog Strangling
Foreign Hating
Poor Killing
Milk Snatching
Bank Loving
Beard Sucking
Sick Making
Brexiting
Tory
|
||||
6. |
Zippy and George
03:18
|
|||
Zippy and George
Zippy's always running around
Trying to find controversy
He needs all the world to confirm
He isn't a loony
George watches the balls
Waves a flag and shouts too loud
Zippy thinks the world would be right
If it could buy truth from him
George says that he shouldn't have crossed swords in Iraq
But he made his bed
Now he's gotta lie in it
Zippy says...
......
Zippy says ...
......
George combs his hair
Says ......
George always hedges his bets
He never knows what to think
He says .......
........
Scared that he'll be caught
Without a second thought
Running around
Zippy feels he's wasting his breath
Trying to talk sense to him
George says ....
..............
So he combs his hair
Knows he tires easily
Zippy's always running around
Trying to find controversy
He needs all the world to confirm
He isn't a loony
George watches the balls
Waves a flag and shouts too loud
Zippy's always running around
Running around
When will I, will I be famous?
|
||||
7. |
The Hoover
01:38
|
|||
R. O . S . S.
Some call me barmy
Some name me thick
It don’t make no difference
I make everyone sick
They call me the hoover
Cos I suck and I grin
Yeah, they call me the hoover
When I’m on the floor
The kids yell for more, more, more
Some call me barking
Some want my blood
Yes they do
It don’t make no difference
‘Cos I’ll still be a fud
They call me the hoover
Cos I suck and I grin
Yeah, they call me the hoover
When I’m on the floor
The kids yell for more, more, more
I said sing it to me children, now
Yea I’m the hoover honey Yea
I’m the hoover honey Yea
I’m the hoover honey
yeah yeah yeah
ahaha
na na na na na na nana
|
||||
8. |
||||
Long shorts, long socks
Cheeky little flash of knee
Neck trim, long sleeves
Massive gloves on the goalie
Football fashion
Football fashion
Technicolour football boots
Funky hairdos
Artesan shin pads
Crappy tattoos
Waistcoat optional
If you are a manager
If you’re German
Sniff yer baws and off ye go
Football fashion
|
||||
9. |
Tory In A Foodbank
01:21
|
|||
Tory in a foodbank
PR stunt
Smiling like
A Tory cunt
Can I take you to reality
Where you enabled this
You can watch yourself
Taking the piss – ugh
Tory in a foodbank
You just can’t stop it
Every photo opportunity
You just grab it
Find no interest in the
Racks and shelves
Just a thousand reflections
Of your own sweet self, self, self
Tory in a foodbank
There’s a tory in mi foodbank, what am I gonna do?
He would make a gristly, greasy stew
Maybe just boil him down for glue
Tory in a foodbank
Recompense
For all your crimes
You’ve no defence
The poor get poorer
It makes no sense
You drive them into
Mental illness
|
||||
10. |
It Wisnae Me
01:18
|
|||
Brexit gets me stressed out
So I’m drinking in the Strangers Bar
Picture this I was on my tenth shot
Eating complimentary caviar
How could I forget that I was
Aberdeen South MP
All this time I was sitting on a stool
Getting ever more wobbly
It’s not my fault if I just can’t cope
How can you pass up the chance to have a grope
I’ll hang myself if you give me enough rope
Half man half octopus*
Can I get a witness, well here’s what to say
If they say a night, convince them it is day
Nothing to see here, I was just bored
The bollocks were just resting in my hand m’lord**
They caught me off balance, uh (It wisnae me)
I was about to fall over (It wisnae me)]
I had to hang on to a trouser (It wisnaeme)
They even caught me on camera (It wisnae me)
For openness and transparency (It wisnae me)
I’ll refer me to the disciplinary (It wisnae me)
These serious allegations against me (It wisnae me)
Won’t stop me going to work on Monday
*line copyright @kwr66
**line copyright @Tucker5Law
|
||||
11. |
Douglas Useless
00:37
|
|||
Well, hello, my name is Douglas
Douglas Useless
I am the new Scottish Tory boss
The only thing that people know about me
Is that I hate gypsies and I am a referee
Now Aberdeen's gone into lockdown
I'll no see my wee pal
Ross Thomson - he's been cancelled anyhow
We used to be like the north eastern Bros
Oh, I'm hapless, clueless, hopeless, useless, feckless Douglas Ross
Hey!
|
||||
12. |
||||
Yes, you're suitably at one
With The Scotsman and The Sun
Yes, you are
You've read Karl Marx
And you've taught yourself to dance
You're the best by far
But you keep asking the question
Whoa, you're not supposed to mention, hey
When will I be Ruth Davidson?
I can't answer, I can't answer that
When will I get to put my racist face on?
I can't answer, I can't answer that
When will I be Ruth Davidson?
|
||||
13. |
Gypsies, Ban Them Please
00:45
|
|||
I was born in the back end of a pantomime horse
My papa at the front - demanded a divorce
Mama would do whatever she could
Then I joined the Tories, starving children makes me feel good
Gypsies, ban them please
I am Douglas Ross, I disapprove
Gypsies, ban them please
And while we're at it bring the birch back
And hanging! Put that on Zoom
|
Streaming and Download help
Bandcamp Daily your guide to the world of Bandcamp