The Ross Boys

by Half Bam Half Whisky

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1.
My Inner Dictator I'm the Tory MP for Aberdeen South I like to slag the SNP with my oversized mouth People say I am a bit insane Cos I sat on the throne of Saddam Hussein What a laugh I'm a scream Do you want my autograph? Ross Thomson - I found my inner dictator Ross Thomson - there is no dick which is greater oh oh oh My career is a running gag My my what will I do next eh? Ain't it queer how I get away With anything - what am I like eh? Youse must be brokenhearted I've no done a thing since I fucking started Oh aye - did I ever let you know I am here my inner dictator My, my, I could never let you go
2.
R.O.S.S. 01:31
R.O.S.S. This is the story of two Scots Tory MPs One likes to play with swords, one doesn't like gypsies I got them mixed up in a song One's not a referee I'm sorry but they all look the same to me So If you hear me, can you forgive me? R.O.S.S. I'm sorry that we ended up in this mess So to Mrs Thomson and Douglas's mum I'm sorry for your Ross Now can we just move on? You're not the Ross MP now You're not the Ross MP now You're not the Ross MP now And you're not too smart Which Ross MP are you now? Which Ross MP are you now? Which Ross MP are you now? Are you slimy or thick? Life is unfair
3.
The Assistant Referee's Alphabet A is for Aberdeen - where I was born and my mate Ross Thomson who represents the constituency Aberdeen South following the glorious election of 2017 B is for Bungle - our pet name for our glorious leader Theresa May C is for Conservative. What else? The highest political philosophy known to man. And ladies. D is for Douglas - my first name. I'm lucky enough to be one of those people who has two first names for my whole name. That's impressive, eh? E is for Education. I was educated at Forres Academy and the Scottish Agricultural College. Forres sounds like forest doesn't it? I'm so ecological. F is for Fochabers and Lhanbryde - my first ward. This is where the magic began. G is for Gypsies. Don't like 'em. H is for the House of Commons where I show up occasionally if I'm not assisting referees. I is for investigation which the SFA did on me. I was warned to pay attention to my use of language. Big wows. J is for junket - a ridiculous word used to besmirch my important training trips to Switzerland. K is for the 40 K I get a year for my weekend job. Not including the all-expenses paid trips to Europe. L is for linesman which some people still insist on calling the noble art of assistant refeering. Get with the 21st century, you neanderthals. M is for Moray - my constituency. My kind of people. The huge Tory funding and tailored advertising aimed at the residents, helped me spank SNP Bad man Angus Robertson in the 2017 election. Happy days. N is for New Conservatism which is much like Old Conservatism but much much worse. O is for Old Firm. I officiated at an old firm match once and repeatedly shouted at the referee to send off a Celtic player. One of my finest moments. P is for Portugal where I officated in a Champions League match between Sporting Lisbon and Real Madrid. Q is for Question Time - a light entertainment programme which they really should get me on so I can explain the offside rule. R is for Real Madrid. I was assistant referee at one of their games once don't you know. S is for Sporting Lisbon. That's who Real Madrid were playing when I was assistant referee. Amazing, eh? T is for Tuesday which is the day I missed the justice committee meeting to officiate at that Sporting Lisbon versus Real Madrid game in Portugal I was talking about. U is for Universal Credit -that's the debate I missed in Parliament due to my heavy refereeing schedule. V is for vulgar which is what all these moaning minnies are that go on about my refereeing commitments. W is for Westminster. Nice place. Shame about the cybernat oiks there. X is for the mark on the ballot paper so many millions of marvellous Moray people placed next to my name that glorious day in 2017. Y is for yellow card. It's like a red card. But yellow. Z is for zippy. My favourite Rainbow character. He looks a bit like my mate Ross Thomson too. Haha. Only joking, Ross - ya big Saddam sword joker ye.
4.
TORY BOYS (North British Branch) Yeah yeah we're the Tory boys T.O.R.Y. Make some noise We look up to Gove and Hunt Straight Outta Cambridge with a monocle and punt First we'll bury the SNP Then we'll bury the whole country With our lovely leader Ruth Never mind the bollocks or the truth T - Terrifically crazy O - Out with the Scots R - Rah for Royal babies Y - Yah for Royal Yachts Yeah yeah we're the Tory boys T.O.R.Y. Make some noise We look up to Gove and Hunt You absolute shower, we're the government Ever since Bullingdon We have been pulling down the system Dish-faced Camerons Straight outta Bullingdon
5.
Tory 00:16
Fox hunting Pig Fucking Dog Strangling Foreign Hating Poor Killing Milk Snatching Bank Loving Beard Sucking Sick Making Brexiting Tory
6.
Zippy and George Zippy's always running around Trying to find controversy He needs all the world to confirm He isn't a loony George watches the balls Waves a flag and shouts too loud Zippy thinks the world would be right If it could buy truth from him George says that he shouldn't have crossed swords in Iraq But he made his bed Now he's gotta lie in it Zippy says... ...... Zippy says ... ...... George combs his hair Says ...... George always hedges his bets He never knows what to think He says ....... ........ Scared that he'll be caught Without a second thought Running around Zippy feels he's wasting his breath Trying to talk sense to him George says .... .............. So he combs his hair Knows he tires easily Zippy's always running around Trying to find controversy He needs all the world to confirm He isn't a loony George watches the balls Waves a flag and shouts too loud Zippy's always running around Running around When will I, will I be famous?
7.
The Hoover 01:38
R. O . S . S. Some call me barmy Some name me thick It don’t make no difference I make everyone sick They call me the hoover Cos I suck and I grin Yeah, they call me the hoover When I’m on the floor The kids yell for more, more, more Some call me barking Some want my blood Yes they do It don’t make no difference ‘Cos I’ll still be a fud They call me the hoover Cos I suck and I grin Yeah, they call me the hoover When I’m on the floor The kids yell for more, more, more I said sing it to me children, now Yea I’m the hoover honey Yea I’m the hoover honey Yea I’m the hoover honey yeah yeah yeah ahaha na na na na na na nana
8.
Long shorts, long socks Cheeky little flash of knee Neck trim, long sleeves Massive gloves on the goalie Football fashion Football fashion Technicolour football boots Funky hairdos Artesan shin pads Crappy tattoos Waistcoat optional If you are a manager If you’re German Sniff yer baws and off ye go Football fashion
9.
Tory in a foodbank PR stunt Smiling like A Tory cunt Can I take you to reality Where you enabled this You can watch yourself Taking the piss – ugh Tory in a foodbank You just can’t stop it Every photo opportunity You just grab it Find no interest in the Racks and shelves Just a thousand reflections Of your own sweet self, self, self Tory in a foodbank There’s a tory in mi foodbank, what am I gonna do? He would make a gristly, greasy stew Maybe just boil him down for glue Tory in a foodbank Recompense For all your crimes You’ve no defence The poor get poorer It makes no sense You drive them into Mental illness
10.
It Wisnae Me 01:18
Brexit gets me stressed out So I’m drinking in the Strangers Bar Picture this I was on my tenth shot Eating complimentary caviar How could I forget that I was Aberdeen South MP All this time I was sitting on a stool Getting ever more wobbly It’s not my fault if I just can’t cope How can you pass up the chance to have a grope I’ll hang myself if you give me enough rope Half man half octopus* Can I get a witness, well here’s what to say If they say a night, convince them it is day Nothing to see here, I was just bored The bollocks were just resting in my hand m’lord** They caught me off balance, uh (It wisnae me) I was about to fall over (It wisnae me)] I had to hang on to a trouser (It wisnaeme) They even caught me on camera (It wisnae me) For openness and transparency (It wisnae me) I’ll refer me to the disciplinary (It wisnae me) These serious allegations against me (It wisnae me) Won’t stop me going to work on Monday *line copyright @kwr66 **line copyright @Tucker5Law
11.
Well, hello, my name is Douglas Douglas Useless I am the new Scottish Tory boss The only thing that people know about me Is that I hate gypsies and I am a referee Now Aberdeen's gone into lockdown I'll no see my wee pal Ross Thomson - he's been cancelled anyhow We used to be like the north eastern Bros Oh, I'm hapless, clueless, hopeless, useless, feckless Douglas Ross Hey!
12.
Yes, you're suitably at one With The Scotsman and The Sun Yes, you are You've read Karl Marx And you've taught yourself to dance You're the best by far But you keep asking the question Whoa, you're not supposed to mention, hey When will I be Ruth Davidson? I can't answer, I can't answer that When will I get to put my racist face on? I can't answer, I can't answer that When will I be Ruth Davidson?

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released April 27, 2018

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Half Bam Half Whisky Edinburgh, UK

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