Ya Dirty Wee Country Album, by Half Bam Half Whisky

Ya Dirty Wee Country Album

by Half Bam Half Whisky

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1.	Irn Brury 02:33	lyrics	buy track
I hear that you have changed your famous recipe From eight teaspoons of sugar down to four And now a nation mourns that rotting their teeth Will take them twice as long as before Irn Brury Fire and Fury Oh how sweet that flavour used to be Now it’s only imitation Like that imitation presidency That book tells us the baby has been coddled He’s a little bit cunty, we’re a little bit rock n roll So we should send our Irn Bru to Donald Cos we’re still second in obesity levels Irn Brury Fire and Fury Oh how weird his haircut seems to be But it has its limitations Like the elastic on his nappy
2.	Broken Down Freight Train 02:03	lyrics	buy track
There’s a broken down freight train, somewhere near Carrbridge and it’s blocking the line to Inverness But that stationary train ain’t as broken as my heart, babe, my life’s rolling down the tracks to total mess I wanna be there, knocking on your door, But honey I’m stuck outside Aviemore And while nothing can soothe this broken heart, They’ve got that nice shortbread on the buffet cart And my heart’s as dark as the wildlife park, as the clouds roll in from the hills And I feel the pain of that broken down freight train somewhere near Carrbridge
3.	Running Out Of Energy 01:28	lyrics	buy track
Is your thermostat still working Can you turn the heating down Is your supplier still in business Or been driven into the ground Remember back before all this shit Running wild and running free Now on top of rona and Brexit We’re running out of energy I’ll get the blanket from the bedroom Or we could go walking once again Over and over and over and over Just like when the covid first began Just because we’ve no gas now And no electricity Let’s go walk out through the moonlight We’re running out of energy
4.	Kannae Find Chickens 01:02	lyrics	buy track
I remember when I was a lad Times were hard and things were bad And we never even had a KFC Just a chippie down the road By the time you brought em back they were cold We could only dream one day there’d be a Wimpy Now… KFC Kannae Find Chickens The British Library cannae find Dickens The BBC cannae find Biggins Dearie me My heart sinks and my pulse quickens The collective cerebellum thickens All this brexit bollocks sickens me Though the chip shop is still open There’s no macaroni pie KFC Kannae Find Chickens The British Library cannae find Dickens What is happening to this country?
5.	Pacific Quay Cowboy 03:19	lyrics	buy track
I’ve been on the BBC so long Reportin’ the same old song I know every crack in the dirty politics of Scotland But bias is the name of the game And facts get washed away like the snow in the rain There’s been not a jot of compromising On the road to my horizon But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me I’m a Pacific Quay cowboy Dining out on stories that make me sound OK A Pacific Quay cowboy I’ll just say anything that my bosses want me to say It’s their way or the highway Well, I really don’t mind standing in the rain The smile can hide all the pain But I have to keep towing the line of SNP Bad And I dream of the things I’ll do With a free reign and a huge microphone boom There’ll be no compromisin’ When I pack all the lies in But for now I’m gonna stay where the lights are shinin’ on me
6.	Saint Dolly 01:55	lyrics	buy track
‘jolene’ and ‘i will always love you’ born on the same day 5,000 songs birthed the same way and all you can say is blonde hair and tits, had a few hits thousands of books to kids that need them schemes to keep them safe and feed them when the system didn’t care dolly did what she could and freed them it costs a lot to look this cheap it takes a lot to live with such clarity to take your riches and turn them into acts of selfless charity so make your cracks about a karaoke song and warbling the whitney version but all your jokes are wrong dolly parton is a saint and it’s time for your conversion
7.	Babybel's Angels 02:25	lyrics	buy track
Some people say that Bristol councillors are yokels Lookin’ for to bring about a fast food ban As motorcycle gangs are terrorising locals After being fed cheese toasties from a van Lock up your kids here come the Babybel angels Driven mad with cheese inside some buttered toast A gateway drug to antisocial behaviour It’s the wild side of life on the west coast These gangs encourage kids to skip school and drink liquor By tempting them with little babybels Then weaning them onto cheese toastie kickers And unleashing every kind of merry hell Lock up your kids here come the Babybel angels Driven mad with cheese inside some buttered toast A gateway drug to antisocial behaviour It’s the wild side of life on the west coast
8.	Fulsome Brexit Blues 01:49	lyrics	buy track
I hear the Brexit comin’ It’s soundin’ awfully grim, I want a referendum, And I wanna win, I’m stuck in Tory Britain, and time keeps draggin’ on But that train crash is a comin’ and so is Boris Johnson When I was just a deputy, Alex said to me One day you’ll be head honcho of the SNP Then I shot the Labour leader just to watch him die When I hear those Tories bleating, I hang my head and sigh Mhairi saw those rich folks eating in the Westminster bar She said you talk shite hen and ordered chips, not caviar Well I know we’ve got it coming, I know we can be free But those people keep a Brexitin’ And that’s what tortures me
9.	Carlaw Jackson 02:32	lyrics	buy track
He got carried away in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout Talkin’ ’bout Carlaw Jackson What the fuck are you banging on about? Carlaw Jackson, he’s gonna blow a fuse, Yeah, Carlaw Jackson, Look out Holyrood They got rid of Ruth Davidson, the bauchle who endorsed the rape clause, Now they’ve got Carlaw Jackson, who Boris Johnson’s got by the baws Carlaw Jackson, he’ll do what he’s told to, Yeah, Carlaw Jackson, Look out behind you Well, go on Carlaw Jackson; go ahead and wreck your health. Go play your hand you big-talkin’ man, make a big fool of yourself, Yeah, Carlaw Jackson; vote for any deal you can Yeah, Carlaw Jackson, red faces all round man When he breezed into the chamber, he was a-waiting for the MSPs to bow (Hah!) He said the SNP gonna make me, teach ’em what they don’t know how, Carlaw Jackson, he thinks that he’s the guy Carlaw Jackson Decidedly small fry They’re laughing at you Carlaw Jackson, and dancin’ on a Tennents keg They’ll lead you ’round town like a scalded hound, With your tail tucked between your legs, Yeah, Carlaw Jackson, you big-talkin’ man Bye bye Carlaw Jackson, you’re a pure fandan
10.	The Vilest Nihilist 01:33	lyrics	buy track
There’s a voice that keeps on calling me In my head – that’s where I live you see Every thought I have don’t matter a jot Whatever I say I am, that is what I’m not The vilest nihilist, that’s what they call me Maybe the jail is the place I’m meant to be Down this road, that never seems to end Where abuse on twitter drives you round the bend So if you want to join me for a while Don’t give a shit, throw out some bile That’s vile style The vilest nihilist, that’s what they call me Maybe the jail is the place I’m meant to be So if you want to join me and be vile Oh cybernat, let’s fling some shite That’s vile style The vilest nihilist, that’s what they call me Maybe the jail is the place I’m meant to be It doesn’t matter, nothing matters see This piss poor patter is my philosophy It doesn’t matter, nothing matters
11.	Braemar 02:31	lyrics	buy track
The last time I was in Braemar it wisnae freezing We were driving along a single track road When a jeep came along, we saw the queen was driving So we pulled into a passing place like you are supposed to Now when most people pass you in a passing place they are waving But not the queen, she just grimly motored on, not even a tip of the hat I mean, her only job on this planet is waving But she didn’t even have the courtesy to do that So the next time you’re in Braemar and you see her Don’t give way but wait for her to pull in Although I get the feeling she’d knock you off the road with her bumper She can do what she wants, be it Braemar or Killin It’s funny cos the time I saw her before that she was with Willie Hamilton Look it up
12.	Torn Between Two Labours 02:24	lyrics	buy track
There are times when a woman has to say what's on her mind Even though she knows how much it's gonna hurt I am named after a scary burd, and I'm not talking seagull Is there anybody out there? it's me, Angela Eagle. There's been a schism in my Party since we became popular, We're more skid marks than Karl Marx nowadays, And who knows where this will lead us, and who knows who fucking cares, When it comes to being ridiculed, we're worse than Go Compare Torn between two Labours, feeling like a fool Being this messed up just makes us look like tools Torn between two Labours, feeling like a fool We wannabe like the popular girl at school Torn between two Labours, feeling like a fool Loving Trident really doesn't make you cool Tumbleweed and traitors are what we've been reduced to No-one wants to come to my press launches boo-hoo
13.	Dead Cowboy 01:49	lyrics	buy track
Give me the love of a woman Give me the words of a song Give me a bottle of whisky And I know I can't go wrong Romance is dead and it's gone Oh no no no Romance still lingers on Back in the old state of Texas Lies a dead cowboy who thought The old country songs were the bestest He fucked all the men that he fought
14.	Falling Out Of Love With Life 03:54	lyrics	buy track
There's a feeling really bugging me Of hoplessness and mediocrity It descends into my veins, the meaningless remains It doesn't help that I'm singing country But I know that it will pass again No explanation why it messes with my brain There's no cause or reason why, My heart just sinks, my blood runs dry So for now I'll get it out my system and say I'm falling out of love with comedy And with social media Falling out of love with politics I've lost my joie d'vivre Falling out of love with music Falling out of love with Fife I guess I am just falling out of love with life It used to be that I just got fed up Just a little blue and just a little rough But lately things just seem more fleeting My whole soul takes a beating And you wonder if you've just had enough I'm not sure it helps to talk or sing about it Is empathy all genuine? I doubt it I'm just noting that it's there Like water, fire and air Just saying, as they say, just don't shout it I'm falling out of love with comedy And with social media Falling out of love with politics I've lost my joie de vivre Falling out of love with music Falling out of love with Fife I guess I am just falling out of love with life