All I Want For Christmas Is A Torphichen Inn Away Kit

by Half Bam Half Whisky

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1.
I placed a Torphichen order at the Torphichen Inn I'll have a long Torphichen glass of Torphichen gin And what do you do for fun around these Torphichen parts? You got any Torphichen snooker or Torphichen darts? Well it turns out there's a Torphichen Inn football team And their away strip's the Torphichen best I've ever seen You put your Torphichen Inn, your Torphichen out West Lothian, out, shake it all about Get a Torphichen husband or a Torphichen wife If you're Torphichen tired, get a Torphichen life Oh, all I want for Christmas is a Torphichen Inn away kit If that's not Torphichen much to ask for I can impress the fashionistas down on Torphichen high street Be a Torphichen dandy and a Torphichen bore Between Bathgate and Linlithgow's where'll you'll find this place But look out for the cartoonist off his Torphichen face The Knights Hospitaller of St. John Made their Scottish headquarters at Torphichen But when I first went there, the village said nut You canny get a drink - we're Torphichen shut They only come alive from Thursday to Sunday They're Torphichen lazy to open on a Torphichen Monday A shiny shirted shyster drawing Torphichen toons Who came from the land of Oor Wullie and The Broons Drew a Tam O Shanter mural at Torphichen central But you can only see it at weekends which is Torphichen mental Oh, Torphichen Inn Torphichen Torphichen Inn In Torphichen
2.
99% of Little England love Nigel Farage He's a cross between a gargoyle and a bullfrog at large It should be pronounced 'Faridge,' I don't say 'gararge' You won't find him in Claridges, or should I say 'Clararge' Oh he's a cheeky chappy millionaire If you want to drop him a line He's a permanent fixture on BBC's Question Time He's always in a pub, I bet he drinks lager and lime Cos he's such a fucking dick he makes Russell Brand look like Einstein Quest que c'est? Fa - fa - fa - fa- fa Fa - fa- fa- Farage If you're stuck in traffic you can blame foreigners If it's raining men you can blame the gay bars
3.
Everybody’s doing the George Osborne Stance... No no no no, no more Locomotion No no, no more Dancing In The Street No no no no, no more Mashed Potato No no, no more shuffling of the feet Everybody’s doing the George Osborne Stance... Keep your arms as rigid as a juggernaut Clench your fists, point your knuckles straight ahead Do your best to look like a statesman Then try and pretend to look vertically dead Everybody’s doing the George Osborne Stance... Praise the Lord you all look so beautiful Legs akimbo, solid brass neck Shine your shoes and head for the Conference Fuck the poor and keep the crowd in check Everybody’s doing the George Osborne Stance...
4.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer went to Rome to see the pope The Chancellor of the Exchequer went to Rome to see the pope The Chancellor of the Exchequer went to Rome to see the pope And the pope said to his aide Who the fuck's Alistair Darling? Who the fuck's Alistair Darling? Who the fuck's Alistair Darling? And do you think his pubes are black or white?
5.
Now how did I guess You were going to express Your disdain at the crane With the bright fairy lights And you’d moan at the snow ‘Cos your car wouldn’t go Oh it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas You don’t have a tree And your smile has a fee All the same, here’s a card For your boring facade Jingle Bells, piney smells All the boys and the girls Say it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas Oh it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas See how we yawn At your bile and your scorn It’s a beautiful day Peace on Earth has been played Make a noise with your toys And ignore the killjoys ‘Cos it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas Oh it’s cliched To be cynical At Christmas I saw three ships Come sailing in Come sailing in Come sailing in I saw three ships Come sailing in On Christmas Day In the morning

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released July 21, 2017

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