Slime Of The Times

by Half Bam Half Whisky

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1.
Davey I Love You I'm Alex Cole Hamilton I find it so insulting That my pal Davey's been abused He's got a beard and glasses The SNP think that is A reason to be really rude If you diss him, I will feel it Diss him, I will feel it Diss him and I will scweam and say Davey, I love you Davey, I love you Davey I love - I love only you I embody sychophancy You're Sid and I am Nancy It's really easy to explain My one emotion is smarmy I want to join the smug journalist army I love to hear you call my name Oh tell me that you feel it Tell me that you feel it Tell me that you feel the same chorus Oh Mr Torrance, our saviour You're like a Scottish Lawrence of Arabia Striding through the political desert with Ruth Atop your fearless camel of truth Dishing out polemical bon mots Hounded like Marilyn Monroe You're hard hipster jive, Little Mix Like a sexy weetabix Your book on Salmond's pure James Joyce If prose were a car, If prose were a car, you'd be a Rolls Royce Your analysis of Mr President Should be on gorilla TV
2.
You're So Vain You walked into the Whitehouse Like you were walking onto a yacht In your forty-five dollar baseball cap Your complexion was apricot You had one eye on the mirror And the West Wing staff were distraught And Goldman Sachs dreamed that they'd be your partner They'd be your partner, and You're so vain You probably think this storm is about you You're so vain I'll bet you think this storm is about you Don't you? Don't you? Oh it started several years ago And you were so naive You and Vladimir made such a pretty pair What a tangled web you weave. So you gave away the USA Just for some flattery Then there were tweets, they were filled with covfefe Filled with covfefe and You're so vain You probably think this storm is about you You're so vain I'll bet you think this storm is about you Don't you? Don't you? You think hurricanes are a competition So your storm naturally won. And you stared straight into the blinding light During a total eclipse of the sun You think rules just don't apply to you And your allure is second to none Which is why you're still grabbing some pussy Grabbing some pussy. and You're so vain You probably think this storm is about you You're so vain I'll bet you think this storm is about you Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?
3.
Give a man a fishing rod and he can fish Give the Scottish Labour Party one wee wish That their emails were worth seeing Without the subject being Coment on the latest Jackie Baillie pish
4.
Neil Oliver 01:40
NEIL OLIVER Neil Oliver, Oliver He's a historian and plonker I think we can all concur He's definitely a bit of a tosser Wavy locks and air of superiority Wafting shite and hated by the vast majority Oliver, Oliver Unionist ambassador Such is the calibre of Neil Oliver National Trust, if you must have a figurehead then just Not this clown - capiche? Why not get Cameron McNeish He knows Scotland all over - he has been everywhere Whereas Neil thinks we should remain in the yoke of the monarchy Oliver, Oliver I really don't care for his views, or his hair Thinks we are better together Neil Oliver
5.
NICK ROBINSON (words by @Tucker5law) And here's to you, Mr Robinson Kuensberg loves you more than you will know, wo wo wo God bless you please, Mr Robinson Newsnight likes to stay above the fray? hey hey hey Hey hey hey We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files Like the fact that you were a young Tory Look around the news team at the sympathetic eyes Stride through Broadcasting House, I’m sure you feel at home And here's to you, Mr Robinson Paxman loves you more than you will know, wo wo wo God bless you please, Mr Robinson The knighthood must quite soon be on its way, hey hey hey Hey hey hey Slide it in a short aside that no one ever checks Sneak it in the close before the handshake It's a little bias, just the Robinsons' affair Most of all, you've got to keep it off youTube Coo coo ca-choo, Mr Robinson Jo Coburn loves you more than you will know, wo wo wo What’s that you say, Mr Robinson You’ll join the BBC Trust one fine day hey hey hey Hey hey hey Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday morning show Going to the candidates' debates Laugh about it, shout about it When we’ve got to choose Every way WE look at it WE lose When will you go, Mr Robinson? A nation turns its open eyes from you, wo wo wo What's that you say, Mr Robinson Salmond “didn’t answer”? So YOU say, hey hey hey Hey hey hey
6.
Ophelia 01:03
Ophelia Ophelia, you're breaking the sky You're making John Redwood more scary Oh, Ophelia, you made the sun red Wood John be more dead than alive if he tried The weather bods are getting uptight Remember Storm Doris - that was shite But we can aw brag We survived Hurricane Bawbag Ophelia, you're just a wee puff We've aw had enough - geez a break now Oh, Ophelia, I'm no on ma knees I'm begging you please that'll dae - that'll dae
7.
Dickie 01:16
Dickie Oh Dickie Leonard won What the hell have you done, hey Dickie, hey Dickie Oh Dickie, all the best Hope you've got a bullet-proof vest, hey Dickie, hey Dickie Oh Dickie let's get rad, don't just say SNP Bad Hey Dickie, Hey Dickie Hey Dickie You've been and gone and won the Labour gig You think you're on the left, but I think you're in the shit Have the poisioned chalice and take a swally now Dickie 'Cause when you say you win, it always means you don't You'll say you'll reform, baby, please, you know you won't Every day you'll be living in the void Dickie Oh Dickie, what a pity, you don't understand. You're still letting London lead you by the hand Oh Dickie, it's so shitty, you've joined the band The North British Branch, Dickie Oh what've you done Dickie, run Dickie They'll fuck you up, Dickie
8.
Bigmouth Tweets Again Donald, Donald I wasnae joking When I said I'd like to Rub a balloon on your head Donald, Donald I wasnae joking You are scum, by rights we should Cut off your tiny thumbs And now I know how Kim Jong Un felt Now I know how Kim Jong Un felt As the rockets fly in an Asian sky And the Sea of Japan started to melt Bigmouth, bigmouth Bigmouth tweets again And you've got no right to take your place With the human race And now I know how Kim Jong Un felt Now I know how Kim Jong Un felt As the rockets fly in an Asian sky And the Sea of Japan started to melt Bigmouth, bigmouth Bigmouth tweets again And you've got no right to take your place With the human race
9.
PRITI - FEY CUNT There's no point in basking On the Golan Heights Or sunbathing while wearing tights Oh fancy bumping into you Benjamin Netanyahu Priti Patel Situation Vacant Priti Patel Situation Vacant Don't ask us to fund The Israeli army Just don't Patel, it's not pretty You believe your own delusions to further your career You can stuff your cheap comments And move to North Korea You're all alike! Priti Patel Situation Vacant Priti Patel Situation Vacant Oh what a pity Priti, Priti And now You don't care Priti, Priti - fey cunt Priti, Priti - fey cunt Priti, Priti - fey cunt Priti, Priti - fey cunt We don't care
10.
Free Fallon 01:31
Free Fallon He's a bad boy, loves his mummy Loves Theresa and Brexit too He's a bad boy, who's got no defence now Free falling below his own high standards oooh And it's a long day lyin' in Westminster There's a way out falling on his pork sword He's a bad boy, and it's more than a knee touch He's a bad boy who just got caught Michael F-f-f Fallon Michael F-f-f Fallon
11.
SOLID GOLD EASY REDACTION Anas Sarwar never learns Now he's fucked up his tax returns He thought he'd covered up his tracks and Buggered up his own redaction, baby He posted everything on line And couldn't take them down in time Your bank account and home address,son you've buggered up your own redaction, baby I thought I was shrewd, but now I'm screwed And all I want is redaction I thought I was shrewed, but now I'm screwed And all I want is redaction I thought I was shrewd, but now I'm screwed And all I want is redaction, baby But all his shares have been relinquished And now his kids can all just get pished He thought he'd covered up his tracks and Buggered up his own redaction, baby What's the chance of a living wage If you can't even felt tip a page? He thought he'd covered up his tracks and Buggered up his own redaction, baby I thought I was shrewd, but now I'm screwed And all I want is redaction I thought I was shrewd, but now I'm screwed And all I want is redaction I thought I was shrewd, but now I'm screwed And all I want is redaction, baby Hey hey hey Stroll on Hey hey hey Mow the lawn
12.
Guns In A Classroom You may find yourself wielding a shotgun mop If you find yourself in a school where the jannie's armed You may find yourself behind a dinner lady with a semi-automatic You may find yourself in a beautiful class with a beautiful rifle You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here? Letting the NRA, keep dictating the gun laws Letting the NRA, keep donating to the boss Into the black again, then when the money's gone Guns in a classroom, bullets flowing all around You may ask yourself, how do I work this? You may ask yourself, why've I got this large semi-automatic? You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful class You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful rifle Letting the NRA, keep dictating the gun laws Letting the NRA, keep donating to the boss Into the black again, then when the money's gone Loading the magazine, bullets flowing all around Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
13.
Dystopia 00:46
Dystopia M.A.D.M.A.X K.F.C in distress B.R.E.X.I.T David D says it's best Dystopia what a mess Dystopia, Dystopia, Dystopia, Dystopia
14.
Another Dick In The Cooncil The leader of Inverclyde Council He is called Stephen McCabe SNP councillor Chris McEleny called him a dick the other day Hey! Stephen don't be a dick alone All in all he's just another dick in the cooncil All in all he's just another dick in the cooncil Well Stephen took offence at Christoph And asked him to apologise But Chris said naw, you're totally a dickhead Then Stephen said Haw well I suppose you're right Hey! Stephen, your turn to apologise All in all he's just another dick in the cooncil All in all he's just another dick in the cooncil
15.
Gammon In Disguise I'm a man in my gammon prime You'll find me in the audience of Question Time I could be wearing a wig like a spy With my hand up as a gammon in disguise With my hand up as a gammon in disguise Mad fer Brexit and swivel-eyed When I die and they lay me to rest David Dimbleby will say I was the best Prepare a question Give it all you've got Gotta have a friend in Dimblebot But pretend you're not a bald guy And sneak in as a punter who's a gammon in disguise I'm highly recommended, I'm the gammon in disguise You'll recognise me - I ate all the pies People say give it a rest But it is my life's quest...ion time
16.
Cheddar Man Vs Ketamine Kate So we're all black, well fancy that I imagine Britain First are having a heart attack Who Do You Think You Are? Is on TV and tonight you'll see when Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate (Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate) Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate (Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate) Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate (Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate) Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate The Daily Mail say we should be pale It can't be right cos our bones are white It must be a plot by that left wing lot Those experts think they know everyfink They're wrong, it's sad. PC gone mad It must be a forrin, he don't look like my dad Next they'll say we're all gay The suffragettes must be to blame in some way When Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate (Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate) Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate (Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate) Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate (Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate) Cheddar Man meets Ketamine Kate
17.
BARONESS 4 LIFE Tories gave me power But I still sell shit on QVC What price now for a shallow piece of dignity I see Stewart Mcdonald Tweeted to my lovely face But I wear the pants And ermine bras every day Knickerbocker glory Deliciously tory You're an SNP moron A few more months and then you're gone But I'm designed for life I'm designed for life I'm designed for life Baroness 4 life
18.
Flegs 01:43
Flegs They've got flegs, they know how to use them The absolute dregs of this blessed union They're wavin' flegs like pathetic children Who can trust a media that interbreeds like eejits Bless the meeja, bless the meeja Yeah, it's all shite, oh yeah They think they're the Head, they're not even the janny Oh what a bunch of absolute fannies When they're typin', they froth at the mouth Sticking their tongues out to think, to think before they shout Check your standards, raise them high Then just lie
19.
Girther 01:36
GIRTHER Now there's a doctor - the best in the land His name is Ronny Jackson He says I have incredible genes It's true - they make me look real slim I'm in great shape, svelte, not round And only 239lbs I'm bigger than Obama, And stronger than Arnie too Girther, cowson, girther Gertcha! I'm the tallest and I'm really thin Gertcha! When that porn star said I couldn't get it in Gertcha! That was fake news, I'm the greatest shag Gertcha! I'm healthier than popeye and twice as mad Gertcha! Girther, cowson, gertcha! Bar stool preaching That's the name of my game!
20.
I Just Don't Know What To Do With My Cock I just don't know what to do with my cock I don't know what to do with my cock Jesus Christ give me a clue I have tried following you And the Pet Shop Boys too I just don't know what to do with my cock I don't know what to do with my cock The Bible isn't very clear Is it down to Luke I fear Matthew, Mark or John? What do I do with my dong? I need to know when To be a Lib Dem Politics and faith I cannae do baith I just don't know what to do with my cock I don't know what to do with my cock I don't know if it's a sin To put out or to give in God, give us a clue I just don't know what to do
21.
TOBY YOUNG, OH WHAT A TWAT Toby Young, oh what a twat But he's got a caustic wit Toby Young, oh what a twat Deleting all his tweets about tits How To Lose Friends - a speciality A pal of Boris but Who Is The Daddy? Yeah he's bald, fifty and fat That's a fact Toby Young, oh what a twat We know he's smug, he thinks he's Keats Toby Young, oh what a twat Deleted 50,000 tweets The kind of guy who reviews his lunch The kind of face that you'd love to punch Bald, fifty and fat That's a fact Toby Young, oh what a twat, In charge of universities Toby Young, oh what a twat, On a board with chimpanzees Handing over education funds To all his Spectator chums The old boy network's still in charge Just ask Mogg, just ask Farage He's such a twat He's such a twat

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released March 2, 2018

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Half Bam Half Whisky Edinburgh, UK

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