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Radio Sick Music

by Half Bam Half Whisky

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1.
We're having a pizza crust with a topping of dust in the morning We're having a national cringe and a Netflix binge with beer We're opening one more can of dull grey spam with a warning And sinking another crate: sell by date last year Who needs to go away? Inside the skys aren't grey So grab a gin We're staying in for the summer I figure the people next door will just ignore my screaming If maybe I keep it down and use my dressing gown as a gag I'm watching the passers by as they run and cry in the evening Remembering absent friends and a stag weekend in Prague There goes the sun Isolation - so long I'm feeling numb Like a dirty wee country song
2.
He isn't gritty, he's Whitty, the CMO of spin Gentle, but mental and a little menacing They asked him to tone down his sadness, he said, Hey! You've taken my only raison d'etre away He stands at his podium with unerring unease He stares quite intensely and says Next slide please What would he think if he'd nothing to say You've taken my only raison d'etre away Befriending dull ministers Chief Medical Officer
3.
Grim Reality 02:05
What we having for tea? We're having pasta What is on TV? Sarah Lancaster It's far too slow for me Make it go faster Grim reality What a disaster Popping to the shops For non essentials Pulled up by the cops This shows potential It's not like on TV Where they are wise guys Grim reality Stake out mince pies Show us your kitchen sink And gritty dramas Show us how to think Through Panaramas Watch the weakest link In your pyjamas Grim reality - the stink Of straight bananas What's for dinner Joe? It's macaroni What's on radio? Stuart Maconie Where you going With that gun in your hand? Grim reality Mum's gone to Poundland Is this all you want? This is all you got...
4.
They can't walk out in public without letting go their hands Moronic couples shopping together They commandeer the pavement with their overactive glands Moronic couples shopping together They're so in love they can't be prized apart at any cost Moronic couples shopping together If they had to walk in single file, they'd be fucking lost Moronic couples shopping together Love is blind and also deaf It's also pretty dumb It plays a mean pinball out on the streets Who cares about social distancing When some cling on to their supple wrists They're addicted to walking down aisles Two by two You're not in a church now You're at checkout two Making people feel uncomfortable with what you do Do the supermarket shuffle, keeping two metres apart Moronic couples shopping together You could do it on your own, you won't break the other's heart Moronic couples shopping together Say it with flour Make your bread sour
5.
Testing, testing, 1,2,3 Lecturn lecturing TV Lockdown, letdown, PPE Stay ssafe Climbing up the walls This does not sit well with me Where's your sense of community? Mass graves in NYC Climbing up the walls Bang your pots and cutlery In the name of charity Big night in on BBC Climbing up the walls Enforced jollity With millionaire celebrities A taxing issue Calling up conspiracy 5K runs, Take 5G Burning issues
6.
I'm an introverted extrovert There's lots of us about You can hear us whispering But you can't hear us shout I'm all about the rhythm I'm all about the rhyme I'll never be forgiven For committing all these crimes I'm an introvert in isolation An interesting combination I want to run, run, run, run, run, run An introvert in isolation I seem to be distracted But I listen with intent I might have been redacted It was the fault of the government I'm running low on laxatives I'm running low on fucks to give From Bethnal Green to Bethlehem We may as well sing Jerusalem And did those feet in ancient times Fit Cinderella's slipper I heard it through the great lie You've been done up like a kipper Run, run, run, run Run, run, run, run Run, run, run, run Run, run, run, run Pump yer pistons Keep your distance You gotta take your futile exercise Burn your calories, books and eyes
7.
This is not a love song, it’s more of a rant About a bloke who applied for a government grant To try to get a crowd to chant Half Bam Half Whisky If you like your ambulance crispy A little bit Leadbelly, a little bit Little Mixy Here’s a man over sixty Singing Half Bam Half Whisky And it goes Half Bam Half Whisky Half Bam Half Whisky Half Bam Half Whisky Half Bam Half Whisky Altogether now Half Bam Half Whisky… One more time Half Bam Half Whisky..
8.
Poor Me 03:10
All of this drinking is taking its toll I remember when I was the life and soul If this bar was the internet I'd be a troll I think I've scored the winner when it's just an own goal Poor me Poor me Pour me another Had a look outside today Still too many people I'm not going out till they go away My will is weak and feeble The glass recycling is no more We're on cans and boxes Now we're wine and beer wild boars Dancing with the foxes Pa pa pa Every hour is happy hour Vodka twist and cognac Feel I'm turning Russian now 100 per cent cossack
9.
Kenny came from East Ayrshire With one overriding desire To see Half Man Half Biscuit play And his dream came true one day He went to see them in Bournemouth But afterwards he felt really rough I asked him why he looked so grim He said he’d stuck his head in a speaker bin He’s got Half Man Half Biscuit tinnitus His ears are bigger than Gary Linnekar’s Which makes it more ridiculous But he insists it was the Biscuit Who were the ones who inflicted His Half Man Half Biscuit tinnitus The first chord Nigel Blackwell struck Made Kenny’s ears scream Holy fuck! His hearing was destroyed that night And ever since he’s mourned his plight Now he is an English teacher With one distinctive feature He tells kids not to be quiet But to recite the Trumpton Riots
10.
Neighbourhood Stasi - watch you in the street Net curtain nazis - scratch and sniff your spreadsheet They stand outside on Thursday nights and clap the NHS Every other day they could not care less Let's give carers badges and call them all heroes Make pensioners walk around their gardens on tiptoes They'll glare at you when running, they'll scowl when you smile To them a wide berth isn't six feet but a country mile And if you make eye contact, they'll quickly look away If you're polite, if you say Hi - they don't know what to say Neighbourhood Stasi - they stare (where?) there through the red mist Net curtain nazis - add your name to the list Twitch baby, twitch baby, snitch Twitch baby, twitch baby, snitch
11.
Here are the clinical Unpolished facts For Scottish political anoraks Outside your bubble Nobody cares That you're taking the trouble To split baw hairs Oh relax, don't do it, when you want to retweet it Anoraks, don't do it, when you want Sturgeon Oh relax, don't do it, when you want to go to it Anoraks, don't do it, go out and get some sun Holyrood's burning With boredom - yikes The flags are unfurling in Dumbiedykes All under one banner All under one pound The indy nirvana Going underground Aye aye aye aye aye Blog it to me one more time I'm a lazy sod Show us yer crazy pod cast
12.
Just give me some of that Radio Sick Music Choose, abuse and use it A bug won't kill us The buck stops here We're nationalist, exceptionalist Cavaliers I beg your pardon I write a column for The Guardian I have opinions that matter I have bad patter I lay the bait Then lie in wait As long as people are buying Power knows it's lying Rollover corona, get Brexit back on the news Let's pretend we rule the waves Let's cower in the shadows in our caves Let's pretend they're castles and we are knaves Let's dig for victory and dig our graves Rollover corona Just give me some of that Radio Sick Music Choose, abuse and use it A bug won't kill us The buck stops here We're nationalist, exceptionalist Cavaliers All hail the world war two fetishists We survived the hun, we survived the blitz We'll meet again, we happy few delusionists Listening to Echo and his bunnymen Echo and the Bunnymen Prefab Sprout Echo and the Bunnymen Prefab Sprout Echo Sprout Bunny Sprout Echo and the Bunnymen Prefab Sprout Just give me some of that Radio Sick Music Choose, abuse and use it A bug won't kill us The buck stops here We're nationalist, exceptionalist Cavaliers Rollover corona...

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Composed during lockdown, decomposed in time for Christmas.

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released December 4, 2020

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Half Bam Half Whisky Edinburgh, UK

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