Caledonia Uber Alles

by Half Bam Half Whisky

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credits

released August 7, 2017

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Track Name: Do The Queensferry Walk
I wanna walk across the river Forth
From South Queensferry to the North
Across the Queensferry Crossing in style
It's only one and a half mile!

But they won't let me - I don't qualify
Even though I live here - my oh my
My bid was unsuccessful - it's no good
I don't know why they stopped me and I don't think that they should

I wanna do the do the Queensferry walk
A ha ha
I wanna do the do the Queensferry walk
A ha ha
I wanna do the do the Queensferry walk
A ha ha
I wanna do the do the Queensferry walk

Aaaaah aaaaaah

The way they stopped me kind of soured my beer
I can even see the bridge from here
Come on people you know it ain't right
I put up with the disruption morning noon and night
Track Name: Modern Day Presidential
This little fat man who sold his soul

I don't want to be hacked
I don't think there's ever been a president
That's done what we've done

I wanna find a friendly reporter
Are you a friendly reporter?
I do get good ratings
I'm really not a bad person by the way

I see tone
Anti-Trump
The tone!

I don't have to tell you
What I'm going to do in North Korea
And I don't have to tell you
What I'm gonna do with Iran
I just have nobody to speak to
I find it very very hard
Doing what the law says exactly to do

I see tone
You know the word tone
Anti-Trump

Chubby little loser
Modern day presidential
Tweeting like a tiny child
Modern day presidential chubby thumbs
Chubby thumbs terrifies me
Chubby thumbs on the lavvy
Chubby thumbs gets away with anything

I love to negotiate things
I do it really well and all that stuff

Quiet quiet quiet
Track Name: Caledonia Uber Alles
I am Governor Jerry Brown
Nicola Sturgeon was in town
We slagged off the president...

Sturgeon has no demands
She won't shake Trump's tiny hands
But he dictates how this is seen
He'll call you a fascist regime
He'll call you a fascist regime!

[Chorus:]
Caledonia Uber Alles
Caledonia Uber Alles
Uber Alles Caledonia
Uber Alles Caledonia

I remember Dead Kennedys
Saying I was Fuhrer - jeez
Now Jello is a Green
And I'm the liberal elite

I heard there's a lot of hate
On the Menie estate
Pissing grannies spied upon
Beware the eyes of Trumpton
Beware the eyes of Trumpton!

[Chorus]

They're showing 1984
Knock-knock at your front door
It's the secret police in a yellow van
They have come for your pissing gran

Come quietly to the states
We don't believe in climate change
Don't you worry, it's only a myth
But you will pay for taking the pith

You will feel the full force
For desecrating his golf course
You will croak, you little dump
When you mess with President Trump
When you mess with President Trump
Track Name: Jeremy Corbyn
Jeremy Corbyn
He went to Glastonbury and he met Jon Snow
Jeremy Corbyn
Fuck the Tories, fuck the Tories, on ye go
Track Name: Schrödinger's Referendum (Can I Get A Reset?)
Schrödinger
Referendum is on and off the table as well
Oh bloody hell
It's a humdinger
Neverending thought experiment
Such an entanglement

Remind me to never let him
Babysit my cat again
Is it a quantum superposition
To ask for an indy transition?

Mister Schrödinger
Can I get a reset till Brexit is cold
Or will I be too old?

Oh Nicola Oh
It's a paradox, no?
Should I stay or should I go?
Is it dead or is it no?
Track Name: Colonel Gadaftie
Who's the gal when things get rough
Sitting on a tank and stuff?
You're havin a laugh eh?
It's Colonel Gadaftie!
Track Name: Cuntisentially Cuntish
Ooh baby life's just chaotic
The prime minister is robotic
It's cuntissentially idiotic
Dumb, desperate and despotic

Together whatever we recall now
Cuntissentially means fuck all now
Whatever mystery life's about
There's no doubt we'll never work it out

Cause you're mad and I'm nuts
And everybody hates someone's guts
Too much bullshit and pish
It's cuntissentially cuntish

Ooh baby so many haters
Cuntissentially masturbators
Caps lock warriors, tiny cock kings
Jerking off to Katie Hopkins

There's a poisonous mouth organ
Goes by the name of Piers Morgan
All the courage of a tiny mouse
Cowering on a TV couch

Cause you're mad and I'm nuts
And everybody hates someone's guts
Too much bullshit and pish
It's cuntissentially cuntish
Cuntish
Cuntish
Cuntish!
Track Name: Fields Of Wheat
Between Boris and Donald Trump
Between a clown and a cunt
All of the arms that have been sold
To Saudis for a pot of gold

The cold dead eyes that never cry
That let the disadvantaged die
The house of commons holds no shame
She will be coming home again

Keep the receipt
Make a spreadsheet
Vote with your feet
Through fields of wheat

Between the warehouse and the shed
Between the faithful and brain dead
Systematic abuse is born
We are the children of the corn
Track Name: Theresa May Is A Shitebag
Theresa May Is A Shitebag
She won't debate on TV
She might as well have a white flag
Get into the sea

She will not sign an agreement
Telling Trump to fuck off
She's very clear on appeasement
She knows her place in the trough

Theresa May Is A Shitebag
Theresa May Is A Shitebag
Theresa May Is A Shitebag
Track Name: Hot Take
Well I've seen the latest news and I've got a point of view ahaha
The Labour manifesto is like the 70s oh what a laugh
T.Rex in the charts and we all read Karl Marx ahaha

It was a glamorous time, if you ignored the grime ahaha
There was love in the air but we just didn't care ahaha
We didn't know our place and we rocked against racism ha!

All education was free, even milk, until she snatched it back
We had Morecambe and Wise and Frey Bentos pies - a ha ha
Unprotected sex through rose tinted specs - a ha ha

Ow Ow Uh

Well it might have been shit and we might have got hit by the tawse
But there was no Trump or May, and no UKIP and no rape clause
I'm a thrupenny bit and that is my hot take - a ha ha

Nostalgia-la-la-la-land ....
La-la-la-la-lala-la
Half Bam Half Whisky aha
La-la-la-la-lala-la
Track Name: Looking After The One Show
I am on the One Show
I'm wearing my best shoes
My husband Arthur Askey
Is on the couch with me too

This is now what passes
For political insight
Jobs for the boys and jobs for the girls
What a pile of shite

CHORUS:
I'll take the money
I'll buy the election.
I'm alright, Matt and Alex,
I'm lookin' after number one.

If I want something I get it
Don't matter what I have to do
I'll step on your face, on your mother's grave
Break any election rules

(repeat chorus)

Don't wanna be like you.
Don't wanna live like you.
Don't wanna talk like you, ooh ooh.
Look at my shoes - they've got diamonds in them and everything!

Don't give me love thy neighbour
Don't give me charity
Don't give me peace and love, give me a battle bus
And leopard skin high heels

I am an island
Entire of myself
And Scotland will do what I tell them to
You can take the bins out, I'll fuck the National Health

(repeat chorus)

Don't wanna be like you.
I'll do anything I wanna do

I'm gonna be like
I'm gonna be like
I'm gonna be like MAY!
Track Name: Reasons To Hate Tories Part Three
You've got a pen in your hand
Are you a journalist?
Reasons to hate Tories - 1,2,3
General election
Everybody retching
Putting up the pensions
Tax cuts for the rich
Ian Duncan Smith
Bloody Brexit and Gove
Punishing disabled
Punishing the poor
Crushing saboteurs
Rape clause, rape clause....
Reasons to hate Tories
Fox, Hunt, May
Track Name: 500 Quid
When I woke up I was expecting to see
The fascists in control over in France
But instead, an electric company
Called Macron was in charge, I shat my pants
Cos I'd wagered 500 pounds
Well, it wisnae me, honest Ladbrokes, no
A wee boy did it and ran away
Don't put me on the Jeremy Vine Show

And I have lost 500 quid
It's no my fault and that's the truth
It wisnae me, it was my kid
And he's put 500 more on Ruth

La la Ladbrokes
Give me back my money or I'll tell the fuzz
La la Ladbrokes
I can't control what my 13 year old does

La la Ladbrokes
It was just a joke, can you no see?
La la Ladbrokes
It's got absolutely nothin' to do wae me

And I have lost 500 quid
It's no my fault, it's just obscene
It wisnae me, it was my kid
He's put 500 more on the May Team
Track Name: Strong And Stable
Strong and stable,
strong and stable,
I'm your mum,
I'm your mum.
Let me sell your health care,
let me sell your health care,
don't live long
don't live long

Strong and stable
Strong and stable
Aye right
Aye right
Platitudes and cliches
Platitudes and cliches
Where's the beef?
Where's the beef?

Empty phrases
Empty phrases
No ideas
No ideas
Punishing the poorest
Punishing the poorest
That's your style
That's your style

Tory rape clause
Tory rape clause
More food banks
More food banks
Demonising doctors
Demonising doctors
Heartless drones
Heartless drones
Track Name: Crush The Saboteurs
Theresa laughs at the Daily Mail graphs
She loves to be one of the girls
She lives in the place in the side of our lives
Where people love Olly Murs
She turns herself 'round and she smiles and she says
"It's time for The Psychedelic Furs"
And loses herself in her dreaming and sleep
And says let's crush the saboteurs

She doesn't think
Does she?
Her platitudes stink
She's empty

All her backbenchers talk of her shoes
And the soundbites that they make her say
And isn't it easy?
Easier not to think?
She's too scared to talk on a TV debate
Because she is empty inside
And just like the last time when she was all for Remain
She always chooses to hide

She doesn't think
Does she?
Her platitudes stink
She's empty

Crush the saboteurs
We're The Psychedelic Furs
Crush the saboteurs
Track Name: Brexit Clown
I sing the national anthem
To remind me of the empire
When we waived the rules
With servants and slaves
Sing God Save The Queen
And try to not sound sour
Hope that God exists
I hope, I pray

Drawn by the undertow
UK is out of control
I believe Scotland can still escape
So let it go

[Chorus]
Brexit clown
Brexit clown
Brexit clown
That's what they call me
Ow ow ow ow ow ow Brexit clown
Oh misery

Now I'm depressed to hear
I don't get to go to some far off places
It's hard to carry on
On a zip wire alone

Now I've swung back down again
It's worse than it was before
We'll sell the NHS
Anyhow by the back door

[Chorus]

Those who feel the breath of sadness
Sit down next to me
Those who find they're touched by madness
Sit down next to me
Those who find themselves ridiculous
Sit down next to me

In ignorance, in fear, in hate,
In ignorance, in fear, in hate
In ignorance, in fear, in hate
In ignorance and fear

Down,
Down
Track Name: Spanish Rock
Just when you thought you'd had enough
Of all this bleeding Brexit stuff
Here's Michael HoWARd
And Gibraltar
And Little England salivates cos that's the law

I'm living on a Spanish rock
I'm as English as a Chinese wok
I'm living on a Spanish rock
I'm a monkey, I don't give a fuck

We are feeling the squeeze
Ex-pats back to Blighty please
We're taking back control
Of this rock and roll
The planet of the apes will here unfold
Track Name: Stickers On A Statue
D'you ever seem to have one of those days where nationalism's just not doing it for you anymore? Well you know, I used to have those just about all the time. But I found a way to get out of it
Let me tell ya 'bout it...

Walking up Buchanan Street thinkin' it's a drag
Listening to the buskers just ain't my bag
I wanna stick it to the man or do something obscure
I know, I'll stick it to the man up there called Donald Dewar

Stickers on a statue
Stickers on a statue
I've loved adhesives since sniffing glue
And now I wanna be anarchic by sticking it to the statue

Checkin' out Buchanan Galleries makin' sure the coast is clear
Lookin' in John Lewis nah, there ain't nobody here
I'm clambering up the plinth, I don't wanna fall
To be caught with stickers would be the death of us all

Stickers on a statue
Stickers on a statue
I asked myself what would Che Guevara do?
Overthrow the system dobbing stickers on a statue
Track Name: King Of Kirkcaldy (Fade Away And Radiate)
Oooh Gordon. I know you spend night times
Wrapped like Ghandi in a cool cool neon vow
Fade away and radiate - Naw!
Fade away and radiate - Naw!

Why won't anybody listen to me?
Thank god for the Daily Record and the BBC
Fade away and radiate - Naw!
Fade away and radiate - Naw!

It's me, it's me, it's me
Don't listen to the SNP
It's me, it's me, it's me
I'm the King of Kirkcaldy

I used to be prime minister you know
Everybody loved me
Tony told me so
Track Name: Now Is Not The Time
We were on the cliff edge and Theresa May says
Rollover
Willie, Ruth and Kez, Theresa May sez
Rollover
So they all rolled over but Nicola said No
So Theresa May said

Now is not the time, naw it's no
Now is not the time, naw it's no

Here's Tank Girl and Fluffy
They know what to say
They'll do what mummy says (Mummy says you're bad),
Do what mummy says (Mummy says you're no getting out to play),
Do what mummy says - Mummy May

Now is not the time, naw it's no
Now is not the time, eat your cereal

Now Willie and Kezia
Are inclined to agree
They'll do what mummy says too (it's not fair!),
Do what mummy says (Know your place),
Do what mummy says - Mummy May
Track Name: Wicker May
Looking over the cliffs of Dover
A giant Theresa May
Flicking the Vs at them overseas
Keeping Johnny Foreigner away

A Wicker May, A Wicker May...
Oh God. Oh Jesus Christ...