Caledonia Uber Alles

by Half Bam Half Whisky

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1.
I wanna walk across the river Forth From South Queensferry to the North Across the Queensferry Crossing in style It's only one and a half mile! But they won't let me - I don't qualify Even though I live here - my oh my My bid was unsuccessful - it's no good I don't know why they stopped me and I don't think that they should I wanna do the do the Queensferry walk A ha ha I wanna do the do the Queensferry walk A ha ha I wanna do the do the Queensferry walk A ha ha I wanna do the do the Queensferry walk Aaaaah aaaaaah The way they stopped me kind of soured my beer I can even see the bridge from here Come on people you know it ain't right I put up with the disruption morning noon and night
2.
This little fat man who sold his soul I don't want to be hacked I don't think there's ever been a president That's done what we've done I wanna find a friendly reporter Are you a friendly reporter? I do get good ratings I'm really not a bad person by the way I see tone Anti-Trump The tone! I don't have to tell you What I'm going to do in North Korea And I don't have to tell you What I'm gonna do with Iran I just have nobody to speak to I find it very very hard Doing what the law says exactly to do I see tone You know the word tone Anti-Trump Chubby little loser Modern day presidential Tweeting like a tiny child Modern day presidential chubby thumbs Chubby thumbs terrifies me Chubby thumbs on the lavvy Chubby thumbs gets away with anything I love to negotiate things I do it really well and all that stuff Quiet quiet quiet
3.
I am Governor Jerry Brown Nicola Sturgeon was in town We slagged off the president... Sturgeon has no demands She won't shake Trump's tiny hands But he dictates how this is seen He'll call you a fascist regime He'll call you a fascist regime! [Chorus:] Caledonia Uber Alles Caledonia Uber Alles Uber Alles Caledonia Uber Alles Caledonia I remember Dead Kennedys Saying I was Fuhrer - jeez Now Jello is a Green And I'm the liberal elite I heard there's a lot of hate On the Menie estate Pissing grannies spied upon Beware the eyes of Trumpton Beware the eyes of Trumpton! [Chorus] They're showing 1984 Knock-knock at your front door It's the secret police in a yellow van They have come for your pissing gran Come quietly to the states We don't believe in climate change Don't you worry, it's only a myth But you will pay for taking the pith You will feel the full force For desecrating his golf course You will croak, you little dump When you mess with President Trump When you mess with President Trump
4.
Jeremy Corbyn He went to Glastonbury and he met Jon Snow Jeremy Corbyn Fuck the Tories, fuck the Tories, on ye go
5.
Schrödinger Referendum is on and off the table as well Oh bloody hell It's a humdinger Neverending thought experiment Such an entanglement Remind me to never let him Babysit my cat again Is it a quantum superposition To ask for an indy transition? Mister Schrödinger Can I get a reset till Brexit is cold Or will I be too old? Oh Nicola Oh It's a paradox, no? Should I stay or should I go? Is it dead or is it no?
6.
Who's the gal when things get rough Sitting on a tank and stuff? You're havin a laugh eh? It's Colonel Gadaftie!
7.
Ooh baby life's just chaotic The prime minister is robotic It's cuntissentially idiotic Dumb, desperate and despotic Together whatever we recall now Cuntissentially means fuck all now Whatever mystery life's about There's no doubt we'll never work it out Cause you're mad and I'm nuts And everybody hates someone's guts Too much bullshit and pish It's cuntissentially cuntish Ooh baby so many haters Cuntissentially masturbators Caps lock warriors, tiny cock kings Jerking off to Katie Hopkins There's a poisonous mouth organ Goes by the name of Piers Morgan All the courage of a tiny mouse Cowering on a TV couch Cause you're mad and I'm nuts And everybody hates someone's guts Too much bullshit and pish It's cuntissentially cuntish Cuntish Cuntish Cuntish!
8.
Between Boris and Donald Trump Between a clown and a cunt All of the arms that have been sold To Saudis for a pot of gold The cold dead eyes that never cry That let the disadvantaged die The house of commons holds no shame She will be coming home again Keep the receipt Make a spreadsheet Vote with your feet Through fields of wheat Between the warehouse and the shed Between the faithful and brain dead Systematic abuse is born We are the children of the corn
9.
Theresa May Is A Shitebag She won't debate on TV She might as well have a white flag Get into the sea She will not sign an agreement Telling Trump to fuck off She's very clear on appeasement She knows her place in the trough Theresa May Is A Shitebag Theresa May Is A Shitebag Theresa May Is A Shitebag
10.
Hot Take 02:45
Well I've seen the latest news and I've got a point of view ahaha The Labour manifesto is like the 70s oh what a laugh T.Rex in the charts and we all read Karl Marx ahaha It was a glamorous time, if you ignored the grime ahaha There was love in the air but we just didn't care ahaha We didn't know our place and we rocked against racism ha! All education was free, even milk, until she snatched it back We had Morecambe and Wise and Frey Bentos pies - a ha ha Unprotected sex through rose tinted specs - a ha ha Ow Ow Uh Well it might have been shit and we might have got hit by the tawse But there was no Trump or May, and no UKIP and no rape clause I'm a thrupenny bit and that is my hot take - a ha ha Nostalgia-la-la-la-land .... La-la-la-la-lala-la Half Bam Half Whisky aha La-la-la-la-lala-la
11.
I am on the One Show I'm wearing my best shoes My husband Arthur Askey Is on the couch with me too This is now what passes For political insight Jobs for the boys and jobs for the girls What a pile of shite CHORUS: I'll take the money I'll buy the election. I'm alright, Matt and Alex, I'm lookin' after number one. If I want something I get it Don't matter what I have to do I'll step on your face, on your mother's grave Break any election rules (repeat chorus) Don't wanna be like you. Don't wanna live like you. Don't wanna talk like you, ooh ooh. Look at my shoes - they've got diamonds in them and everything! Don't give me love thy neighbour Don't give me charity Don't give me peace and love, give me a battle bus And leopard skin high heels I am an island Entire of myself And Scotland will do what I tell them to You can take the bins out, I'll fuck the National Health (repeat chorus) Don't wanna be like you. I'll do anything I wanna do I'm gonna be like I'm gonna be like I'm gonna be like MAY!
12.
You've got a pen in your hand Are you a journalist? Reasons to hate Tories - 1,2,3 General election Everybody retching Putting up the pensions Tax cuts for the rich Ian Duncan Smith Bloody Brexit and Gove Punishing disabled Punishing the poor Crushing saboteurs Rape clause, rape clause.... Reasons to hate Tories Fox, Hunt, May
13.
500 Quid 01:38
When I woke up I was expecting to see The fascists in control over in France But instead, an electric company Called Macron was in charge, I shat my pants Cos I'd wagered 500 pounds Well, it wisnae me, honest Ladbrokes, no A wee boy did it and ran away Don't put me on the Jeremy Vine Show And I have lost 500 quid It's no my fault and that's the truth It wisnae me, it was my kid And he's put 500 more on Ruth La la Ladbrokes Give me back my money or I'll tell the fuzz La la Ladbrokes I can't control what my 13 year old does La la Ladbrokes It was just a joke, can you no see? La la Ladbrokes It's got absolutely nothin' to do wae me And I have lost 500 quid It's no my fault, it's just obscene It wisnae me, it was my kid He's put 500 more on the May Team
14.
Strong and stable, strong and stable, I'm your mum, I'm your mum. Let me sell your health care, let me sell your health care, don't live long don't live long Strong and stable Strong and stable Aye right Aye right Platitudes and cliches Platitudes and cliches Where's the beef? Where's the beef? Empty phrases Empty phrases No ideas No ideas Punishing the poorest Punishing the poorest That's your style That's your style Tory rape clause Tory rape clause More food banks More food banks Demonising doctors Demonising doctors Heartless drones Heartless drones
15.
Theresa laughs at the Daily Mail graphs She loves to be one of the girls She lives in the place in the side of our lives Where people love Olly Murs She turns herself 'round and she smiles and she says "It's time for The Psychedelic Furs" And loses herself in her dreaming and sleep And says let's crush the saboteurs She doesn't think Does she? Her platitudes stink She's empty All her backbenchers talk of her shoes And the soundbites that they make her say And isn't it easy? Easier not to think? She's too scared to talk on a TV debate Because she is empty inside And just like the last time when she was all for Remain She always chooses to hide She doesn't think Does she? Her platitudes stink She's empty Crush the saboteurs We're The Psychedelic Furs Crush the saboteurs
16.
Brexit Clown 03:28
I sing the national anthem To remind me of the empire When we waived the rules With servants and slaves Sing God Save The Queen And try to not sound sour Hope that God exists I hope, I pray Drawn by the undertow UK is out of control I believe Scotland can still escape So let it go [Chorus] Brexit clown Brexit clown Brexit clown That's what they call me Ow ow ow ow ow ow Brexit clown Oh misery Now I'm depressed to hear I don't get to go to some far off places It's hard to carry on On a zip wire alone Now I've swung back down again It's worse than it was before We'll sell the NHS Anyhow by the back door [Chorus] Those who feel the breath of sadness Sit down next to me Those who find they're touched by madness Sit down next to me Those who find themselves ridiculous Sit down next to me In ignorance, in fear, in hate, In ignorance, in fear, in hate In ignorance, in fear, in hate In ignorance and fear Down, Down
17.
Spanish Rock 01:16
Just when you thought you'd had enough Of all this bleeding Brexit stuff Here's Michael HoWARd And Gibraltar And Little England salivates cos that's the law I'm living on a Spanish rock I'm as English as a Chinese wok I'm living on a Spanish rock I'm a monkey, I don't give a fuck We are feeling the squeeze Ex-pats back to Blighty please We're taking back control Of this rock and roll The planet of the apes will here unfold
18.
D'you ever seem to have one of those days where nationalism's just not doing it for you anymore? Well you know, I used to have those just about all the time. But I found a way to get out of it Let me tell ya 'bout it... Walking up Buchanan Street thinkin' it's a drag Listening to the buskers just ain't my bag I wanna stick it to the man or do something obscure I know, I'll stick it to the man up there called Donald Dewar Stickers on a statue Stickers on a statue I've loved adhesives since sniffing glue And now I wanna be anarchic by sticking it to the statue Checkin' out Buchanan Galleries makin' sure the coast is clear Lookin' in John Lewis nah, there ain't nobody here I'm clambering up the plinth, I don't wanna fall To be caught with stickers would be the death of us all Stickers on a statue Stickers on a statue I asked myself what would Che Guevara do? Overthrow the system dobbing stickers on a statue
19.
Oooh Gordon. I know you spend night times Wrapped like Ghandi in a cool cool neon vow Fade away and radiate - Naw! Fade away and radiate - Naw! Why won't anybody listen to me? Thank god for the Daily Record and the BBC Fade away and radiate - Naw! Fade away and radiate - Naw! It's me, it's me, it's me Don't listen to the SNP It's me, it's me, it's me I'm the King of Kirkcaldy I used to be prime minister you know Everybody loved me Tony told me so
20.
We were on the cliff edge and Theresa May says Rollover Willie, Ruth and Kez, Theresa May sez Rollover So they all rolled over but Nicola said No So Theresa May said Now is not the time, naw it's no Now is not the time, naw it's no Here's Tank Girl and Fluffy They know what to say They'll do what mummy says (Mummy says you're bad), Do what mummy says (Mummy says you're no getting out to play), Do what mummy says - Mummy May Now is not the time, naw it's no Now is not the time, eat your cereal Now Willie and Kezia Are inclined to agree They'll do what mummy says too (it's not fair!), Do what mummy says (Know your place), Do what mummy says - Mummy May
21.
Wicker May 00:50
Looking over the cliffs of Dover A giant Theresa May Flicking the Vs at them overseas Keeping Johnny Foreigner away A Wicker May, A Wicker May... Oh God. Oh Jesus Christ...

credits

released August 7, 2017

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Half Bam Half Whisky Edinburgh, UK

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